Seeing Stars...

 When the darkness came I was terrified it would last forever.  The first blog posts from 2014 are heavy with grief.   It took 3 years just to have the courage  to allow the world to see my pain and yet it was still acute.   In 2014  I started this mission.  I was still raw and in a sort of twilight from my 2011 rock bottom.   But there was no denying that stars had peaked thru my black ceiling.  Their light was saving me and I was compelled to write about that miraculous occurrence.  If I could give hope, relief to just one person with my stories, then I would gladly suffer mild humiliation and exposure.  The belief that no one should ever have to suffer as deeply as I did lit a fire in me as fiercely bright as the darkness had been dark.  It burned just under my ribs in the hole where my heart used to live.  My heart was gone back then- shattered to pieces,  I thought by life events, but d later I came to realize it had always been by my own destructive hands.  Poor choices. Blindness. Fear.  Had all decided the course of my life for me.  In a strange way the darkness illuminated the truth.   You see, I started to see better in the dark than I ever had in my brilliant  life.     
At my lowest point after a series of tragedies culminated with the unexpected abandonment of my husband it was as though someone flicked a switch and plunged me into an abyss. I couldn't find up, I couldn't find out, I was just free falling down.  I imagine that to be the most terrifying feeling anyone can ever know. You suddenly have no reality to identify with.  You are simply just in the dark lost and wandering.  You can't make sense of anything because everything that ever made sense to you no longer exists.  I have known the definition of  "nothing" with every fiber of my being.  
Like a blind man reaching out and feeling nothing but space, you can't stop reaching , feeling , hoping. It's your only way out - maybe sooner or a later you will feel something and it will show you  where is "up"  and the how of "out".   So, there I was free falling with outstretched arms when I finally found the lifeline. 
I knew what it felt to be completely hallow.  Somehow although it defies logic, hallow hurts like a beast ripping your insides and eating you alive.   How can "nothing"  hurt, I used to think?  Until I realized "nothing" is the loss of many somethings .   And that the beast had a reason and the darkness has a   purpose.   This realization started to fill the hallow. 
Suddenly I wasn't falling so fast and stars began to appear.  
My Stars popped up in many random and perfect places.  My darkness brought them , their light lit mine.  Slowly I began to come back to life. The first Stars were a grief therapist that was a medium who became my tutor.   A Reiki healer who channeled Mother Mary became my Reiki Master Teacher.  A yoga instructor that  was the most compassionate person I ever met became a life changing guide to me.   There were many others and they are still coming.  Each person came in to my life and filled me with light so I could see clearly.  
They lit my dark and shined on my beasts, so I could face them.  In doing so, I saw my many illusions and broke free to a new and better reality.    My biggest illusions were about the dark and the demons who lived there.   I thought I was supposed to ignore them and they would go away. But they were waiting for me, knowing my embrace was the only thing that could settle and still them.  As long as I kept those beasts in the dark they had such power over me, causing my free fall, eyes closed afraid to look.  If I had only let the stars reveal them sooner I would have known who  and what they were and reconciled them sooner.  They turned out to be inthe light of my darkness just fragments of me scared and helpless. Nothing to fear and all to embrace.  Like the sunset ebbing into darkness and darkness growing into to starry night, we are meant to merge.  Integrate and flow our parts into one giant sky over and over again light to dark and light again..   Its not life or the people in it that cause our suffering - we do that ourselves with the fearful choices we make.

Yes, the darkness has a purpose.  It is a great teacher no less wise than the sun.
In our choice to see only one or clearly see both we create our life.
In our choice to be grateful for both we find Stars.

Today is my wedding  "un" anniversary.    It was one of the greatest, most beautiful days of my life.  I can still smell my flowers, feel the satin of my dress.  I remember the excitement bubbling inside during  hair and make up when they delicately sat a crystal tiara on my  head.   I remember my heart leaping when I got in the limo  to go to the church. There on the seat was a simple white envelope with my name on it.  A love letter from my husband to be.  I read it on the way to the church, holding back tears trying not to ruin my make up.  I couldn't wait to walk up that aisle.  I remember the priest binding our hands together in a gold embroidered cloth in a centuries old " hand fasting" ritual.  Then came a movie star dip kiss at the alter, and the first dance...yes I remember all of it.     It has the ability to stir deep love in my heart still. Love for the mere existence of it and the sensations it provokes.  Gratitude for the experience I was gifted by Spirit and the things that my walk in that place for a time taught me.           
​                        The sun went down on that marvelous love story and the darkness came. 
I suppose we are truly healed when we can think of the past with gratitude for its existence and no sadness, but only be more grateful for our present life.I have walked many places and been gifted many experiences that all weave together, to make the tapestry of my person.  They all have a significance - they just ARE.  And they are me. The sensations of my soul.    

 I now know darkness doesn't last forever - stars come out eventually.  This knowledge fortifies my resolve to live and love everyday. It serves as a North Star to keep me looking forward and not backwards.  There is one bright star that banishes any sadness I may have, and that star is gratitude! I am so grateful I had that day and that life for a time.  It was really quite something.  Some people never experience that kind of beauty and I was blessed to know it.

But we don't just live and learn from the "somethings" we live and learn form the "nothings" too.
We learn from the light and the darkness . My gratitude is equal for the dark times that came to show me this truth. Because now my fear of the dark isn't so acute. I understand that sometimes it is my friend and it is where the lessons lie.  Lessons eventually revealed by the Stars.

Thank you Spirit and Angels for all of it - every minute I have lived thus far. I wouldn't change a thing about my life now . I'm happy and I don't want to miss a thing!  Its a great ride!

In gratitude I honor  that stellar day along with all of the amazing beautiful stellar days of my life! I'm so glad to be in this space now with honor for all of me and all the days of my life.  All the joy and love I have known can only lead me to more of that.    The best is yet to come!

​Peace and love Georgia Rose
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